So today I’m trying to make peace with myself again. My wandering, anxious mind – always racing, I give myself a hard time I really do.

I find that with motherhood, you have the good days and the bad days. The past week and a half have been tough – Tom was understandably out of his routine after staying with his Grandparents for a week whilst we were on our honeymoon.  We’ve also recently moved him into his ‘big boy bed’ so there has been a lot of change for him.

He’s full of a cough and a cold, has had a dodgy tummy and hasn’t been sleeping through for almost two weeks, it’s been rough.

Sleep deprivation really is the worst.

I’m certainly not at my best if I don’t get seven hours sleep. It’s been broken, he’s very clingy for his mummy at the moment so I’ve been going in to his cries every night at around 2am and sleeping on his floor until morning or squishing next to him in his tiny cotbed.

It’s during these periods when you just have to grit your teeth, smile and know it’ll get easier at some point. I really don’t help myself though. I do still struggle with the pride between being a working mum, a stay at home mum or something in between.

I’m just about to start a fabulous new job as a bridal stylist, two days a week which I think I’ll really enjoy.

I’ve also planned to launch a business/ do some freelance work on the side to earn some extra money.

I’ve since realised that I’ve been a little naive. It’s so hard to get much productive done with an energetic toddler. I may get an hour or two a day at best. So I think I do have to make the judgement call and focus on my two day a week job when I’m there and focus on my son for the rest of the time. I’m just going to drive myself crazy trying to do it all.

I’ve always had so much drive to push myself forward, to succeed, to make good money, to be someone. That drive is my worst enemy at times especially now, what I have is enough.

We live in an overexposed and competitive world and are bombarded with images and stories of women being great mothers, holding down successful careers and launching their own businesses. Maybe it’s possible but it won’t happen overnight and it shouldn’t be at the sacrifice of what’s truly important.

I liked some elements of being a working mum but I did miss my baby so much and didn’t feel the balance of working four days in a pressurised job was right, I wasn’t happy but I was contributing a lot more money.

It’s hard to swallow my pride, I’ve been fiercely independent since I was seventeen, thrown into difficult circumstances at a young age. But I used it as a catalyst to keep pushing and striving to carve out the life for myself I wanted. I just don’t know when to stop and something doesn’t sit well with me being looked after financially.

My new husband is so supportive and has told me to enjoy this time with our little boy and I really do need to break out of this mindset. I’m lucky I have this opportunity.

There is a lot of scaremongering out there, a few years out of the workplace and Mums will struggle to get back on the ladder/ skills will become outdated. Of course that’s a worry but maybe I just need to breathe and be in the moment more.

So my lesson to myself for today is to learn to worry less, be more present and not try to take on the world. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

“The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present.” 😊